The league is back in action. With no preseason to break your running backs or to give false hope to some streaky receiver. Offenses looked to be firing, or maybe defenses weren’t used to tackling, who’s to say?

Before diving in to the weekly report, there have been a few changes for the season. First, after much ado, we have adopted a new scoring system. 0.5 Points per Reception in addition to roster changes that allow for a flex instead of 3 WR. The league has also updated its record keeping procedures, thanks to heavy investment from league offices. With the new record keeping procedures, we can finally look to the data (fig.1) and say “damn Matt, what the fuck are you doing?”

Speaking of heavy investments, I would like to personally thank the individuals in red who have funded this venture.

First match up, a battle of the historic league titans (not an old man joke, Chad). Ben “My Chubb Hurst”, 2019 Champ, Pfitzer vs. Chad “Chad’s Team” , 2017 Champ and all time Regular Season record holder, Wheiles. Chad’s first round draft pick, Dalvin Cook was the only player pulling his weight and his score reflects that. OBJ had 3 receptions for 22 yards (3.7 pts.) ***write your own doo doo joke here*** Ben traded for Calvin Ridley to give him a monopoly on Atlanta TDs, stacking with Matt Ryan to combine for 54.3 pts. (We all know Julio Jones can’t score TDs) With this monopoly, Ben is looking to start building houses and hotels in Cheadle’s backyard. Final Score: Chad 92.9 – Ben 131.60.

Trav’s Trojans vs. Brent’s Brees and Associates, LLP. For the Trojans, and his “5 starting running backs” team, only Clyde Edwards-Helaire meets expectations. “Its called leverage” says Trav. We’ll see how that plays going forward. Brees and Associates get taken to court. League Offices have received an Appellate Brief from Brees and Associates, LLP. The official League response is as follows: with A. Brown sitting there, you may want to worry about your own briefs. (That’s another doo doo joke. I know how much y’all love a doo doo joke.) Trojans 124.8 – B&A, LLP – 102.4

JJ gets back from a nice vacation trip only for his buzz to get harshed by Cheadle. No hallucination here. Dropping points in fantasy aren’t gonna get you high. Cheadle drops LSDeez nuts and comes out with a win. JJ 80.94 – Cheadle 147.10.

Matt 98.34 – Todd 127.22. I’m not here to analyze my own defeats. I’m here to talk shit about other teams. Feel free to roast in the comments.

The closest match up of the week Drott’s Boners vs. Max’s McGibblets. Both teams named after their genitals and this game was a real measuring contest. Every increment mattered here. Both teams fluffed their expected points, but in the end, Minnesota shriveled in that Northern cold putting up -4.0 pts. for Max. Drott 130.38 – Max 130.08.

For the Weekly Prize, we have the highest scoring First Round Pick. No one is surprised that CMC came out on top. Cheadle wins the week because Todd reached in the draft.

	First Round Pick	Team	Score
1.	Saquon Barkley(NYG – RB)	The Undertaker	9.6
2.	Christian McCaffrey(Car – RB)	Watts Age of…	26.9
3.	Ezekiel Elliott(Dal – RB)	My Chubb Hurst	26.2
4.	Alvin Kamara(NO – RB)	Brees and As…	21.2
5.	Dalvin Cook(Min – RB)	Chad’s Team	21.3
6.	Michael Thomas(NO – WR)	Mr McGibblets	3.2
7.	Clyde Edwards-Helaire(KC – RB)	Travs Trojans	19.8
8.	Derrick Henry(Ten – RB)	STONE COLD JJ	14.6
9.	Aaron Jones(GB – RB)	DrunkDumpTru…	15.6
10.	Joe Mixon(Cin – RB)	The Boners	5.6