This week, the Commissioner had a few words to say, I will be providing his comments (heavily… heavily edited for clarity, not for content). Editor’s notes are in blue.
Trojan adversity, October McDumbass surprise, Chadsteam breaks knees**, and Cheadle Bros use bye week to cruise to first
Week 5 is in the books and every 5 years something crazy happens and yet again the Bonerz and Cheadle bros are good sitting both 4-1 and top of the league. The People’s Men, the Gamblers, the Sports Professors, the Real Fans sit at the bottom of the league both at 1-4. If I would’ve told you at the draft the Cheadle Bros and the Bonerz would be top of the league with Frat Moore while Ben and Trav would be on a 3 and 4 game losing streak, respectively, people would have assumed that COVID had killed half the country by now. With 8 games to go in the regular season this past week was a COVID infected week none the less lets recap the week.
McGiblets vs Weak arm Brees and Assholes. Brent rolled into the week hot with 3 straight wins facing a 1-3 Max but the McGiblets decided to add America’s defense into the mix and destroyed Brent and Brees in a blowout win.
**Editor’s note** League offices will be investigating this under the Best Effort of a Gentleman for Points Act of 2015 (“BEG for Points Act”) (You’ll remember that this is the league initiative that got Ben his password recovered and ensures all games are played in the spirit of competition). Brent starting Zack Moss, an RB that has goose-egged his last 2 games and was listed as inactive this week, ruined his chances of at least competing. Would it have mattered? Maybe not with Max’s strong showing but it makes you wonder. When asked for comment Brent responded “I had no one else. All other RBs were ruled out earlier because of COVID”. This is demonstrably false given that T.J. Yeldon was available for the Bills. Additionally, plenty of RBs were available going into the Sunday games. Brent has a strong team this year. He has made playoffs only twice in league history and has not won any of those games. How much does he actually want it? Max 141.18 – Brent 107.00
Chadsteam vs DDTD. Sitting atop the league last week for the first time in history Matt looked to prove to the haters after using COVID to make a serious fantasy football league transformation that he was here and for real this year. However news leaked Sunday Chadsteam was rooting for a Dak injury and a return to fame for his longtime friend Andrew Dalton. Just like that Dak’s season and possibly Matt’s season ended with the knee break* of America’s qb. For upcoming week 6 Chads gets another easy matchup with Max having byes.
**Dak Prescott has been diagnosed with a compound fracture and dislocation of his right ankle. Chad 123.34 – Matt 88.04
Bonerz vs. Passwords. The Bonerz put up average numbers all around but ended up doing what they do season after season, rely on defense and kickers! Ravens D scored a season high 26 points the Passwords could not match.
**This was a phoned-in effort by the Commissioner. I empathize with the position. This is a matchup that happened. Drott 121.36 – Ben 113.26
Cheadle Bros vs. The Undertaker. Kingwood show down! The Cheadle Bros showed once again why the didn’t associate with The Undertaker in high school. It would’ve been an ass beating for The Undertaker. Unfortunately for The Undertaker who surprisingly had a good week compared to previous weeks were unable to match Mike Davis and Panthers.
**I cannot comment on Todd and Cheadle’s high school bullying. I can note that despite Todd breaking 100 since the first week of the season, he still underperformed Yahoo expectations. For Cheadle, Trav noted correctly that Mike Davis did have himself a week. But Cheadle’s success is determined by his QB/WR stack. Short kings stick together, as Cheadle will continue to stand on Kyler Murray’s shoulders during his break out year. Cheadle 129.20 – Todd 100.96
Stone Cold JJ vs. Trojans. Lamar Jackson has disappeared. Miles Sanders had a career high day. The Steelers decided to run end arounds in four different series from the 1 yard line instead of giving it to their cancer beating bell cow, James Conner. The Trojans, the most beloved** team sits at the bottom of the league, at 1-4 . Reports are surfacing that the Trojans manager is meeting the Richmond coach Ted Lasso this week and who historically has turned losing teams into winners.
**This matchup also invoked the BEG For Points Act. With Trav in the lead, awaiting a Tuesday game, undisclosed offers were made for JJ to bench a starting RB. The League thanks JJ for both his compliance in the investigation and commitment to competition. JJ 124.10 – Trav 105.80
Current standings are as follows.
Week 6 matchups and odds: Trojans (-10) vs Bonerz
Stonecold vs Brees and Associates (-3)
Chadsteam vs Max (**no odds given**)
Cheadlebros (-28) vs Matt
Undertaker vs Passwords (Even money)
Matt Moore 